Finding My Purpose, Living My Dreams

I feel like the person I am and the person I want to be are drifting further and further apart.  I feel I haven’t been making the kind of memories that will make me smile years after I've hung up my high heels, buried my organizer in a dusty attic and ditched my BlackBerry for a porch rocker in the sunset of my life.  How did this happen?  This was my year to Live on Purpose, wasn't it?

In the first 3 months of this year, I feel I’ve been doing everything except focusing on my purpose.  Something has to change. I almost feel I’m having an epiphany.  I recently read somewhere that “only when life is difficult, are we challenged to become our greatest selves.”  While thinking about that statement I asked myself, why wait for the difficult time when I can start now.

That said, a sista is back on track – no longer a talker but a doer.  I have a career to build, volunteer work to continue and writing to do.  It is my mission to make myself the person I wish to be in every way.  Are you who you want to be?

Don’t Wait!
Start on your dreams, your impulse,
Your longings, your special occasions today.
Because this is your moment. – Mary Anne Radmacher

A Beautiful Thing...

So, I went to a poetry Open Mic event at a church this weekend (thanks Shar for the invite) and thoroughly enjoyed myself.  I was struck by the open-ness of the men -- yes, MEN -- who put their hearts on paper, poured their emotions on our anxious ears.  WOW!  I'm still in awe as I reminisce.  We were also entertained by a young saxophone player -- very talented and awe-inspiring.  Not to take anything away from the ladies who shared as well, I know that I can hardly wait for the next event.

To top it off, I went to the Grand Opening of The Cave, a multi-media environment for the community, powered by the church.  What an idea!  I'm thrilled to enjoy such activities.  All in all, this was a beautiful, creative, and fun weekend.  Who knew?

Free At Last...

On this, another commemoration of one of the voices of the Civil Rights era, I sit in reflection.  I think of how far we've come and how far we have yet to go.  I question those who think we've achieved the dream simply because Barack Obama sits in the White House.  Last I checked, that wasn't Dr. King's dream.

The very essence of his dream rested on a platform of color-blindness -- a means of seeing an individual, not a race, nationality or creed.  Our President is not the shining example of America being color-blind because to speak of him, especially in the Black community, is to wear a symbolic badge of pride as if we came together as a country and chose the right person for the job.

I'm shaking my head and thinking about my own dreams.  My dream is also deeply rooted in the American dream as well as intertwined also with Dr. King's.  I'll share it with you.

In my dream, we'll be able to turn on our televisions and choose from several programs about us that aren't comedies with great sound and visual quality.  In my dream, we'll be able to flip through our magazine and see images that reflect our true selves as well as families and houses with yards and children and pets.

In my dream, we'll be able to browse for books at our local bookstore and find they are integrated with the Classics.  In my dream, our children will apply for passports alongside registering to vote at 18 and will use both accessories as windows to the world that awaits them.

In my dream, we will take responsibility for our actions, our children, our households and stop begging for a piece of legislature to give us what we are due.  In my dream, we will set examples for our young people to follow so that we aren't telling them what's good for them but leading the way.

In my dream we will be the ones to set the example of color-blindness and truly love our neighbors.  In my dream, we will not only sing the words of that old Negro spiritual, Free at Last, but we will be doing what we're really free to do.

One Year Ago Today...

I've been clean for a year.  Yep!  No Fibroids!  What?  You didn't know?  Well, let me tell you what a difference a year makes.

I'm not sure how much you know about fibroids but it's a condition, not a disease, that affects 3 out of 4 women -- many of them Blacks.  It's not always easy to tell since the symptoms vary.  I, thankfully, had no pain but I suffered from inconsistent periods that were sometimes extremely lengthy as well.  I know, way too much for TV!  Anyway, after finding out what the problem was and finding ways to deal with it -- mainly birth control -- it only got worse as I grew older.

So in late 2008, my doctor suggested three procedures.  Be clear on this: nothing cures fibroids.  There are treatments to work around them, shrink them and/or remove them.  That said, I was offered uterine artery embolization (Google it), myomectomy (where they cut you across your abdomen and remove the fibroids with a chance that they will return) and hysterectomy.  I chose hysterectomy.

Gasp! Really?  Yes, really.  It was a medical decision that worked best for me based on where I am in my life and how I plan to live the rest of it.  Not to mention that the other procedures don't guarantee that there will be NO reappearance of fibroids.  The procedure was laproscopic, I had the best surgeon in the world (GW rocks!) and again, I'm celebrating a great year!

Why am I sharing all of this information?  You know I'm not the personal-info-sharing kinda girl, BUT...
I've learned a lot in this year.  I lost my job, gained a certificate (Paralegal), traveled a bit, made some new friends and purged some old ones, re-connected with some folks and celebrated and mourned with others.  I've got a great family network and have learned to lean on others (yeah, hard lesson there).  This has been a year of re-dedication and self-reflection and I'm a better ME because of it.  Maybe by sharing, someone else can be uplifted or will know that better days are coming.  Maybe someone will now understand while I smile and keep it moving -- no worries, no grudges.  Maybe, and this may sound selfish but just maybe, I just wanted to put it out there.

I'm living my life ON purpose!

It's a New Dawn, it's a New Day, it's a New Life ...

Once again, I’m facing the dawn of a new year with thoughts of the old one and ideas of how to do better in the new.  I’m thinking about those I lived through another year without – how I miss their voices, conversations, celebrations of all things Me and Mine for 2010.  I’m thinking about those who passed on this year and how to heal as time goes on.  I’m thinking of the tragedies around the world and the sorrow and loss felt by people I’ve never met.  But most of all, I’m grateful – just to be on this precipice yet again. It’s a blessing and an honor.

I’ve had a good year overall.  I was in poor health in the beginning; I’m much better now.  I was terminated from a job; a career is now on the horizon.  I was loved and loved in return.  I’ve celebrated and traveled and savored.  My family circle has not been broken and my true friends are still by my side. Of course, I have complaints and could complain, but why.  My life is far from perfect, but I still have it.

I’ve done plenty of things wrong.  I’ve thought about others when I should have come first.  I’ve thought about myself when others should have come first.  I’ve given advice that I should have taken and taken some that I should have left alone.  I’ve made decisions that weren’t sound and taken chances – some for the better.  I’ve learned to listen more and gripe less; to be judgmental and opinionated.  Wait, I may have already had that down.  Scratch that.  I’ve learned that things don’t always go my way, and I’ll be ok if they don’t.  I have a life to make the best of and I plan to do that.

I look forward to offering myself to God, to family, to friends, to my community and to my country and finding my true purpose.  I know that I will shed old weight, figuratively and literally, as I soar to new heights and that it will be painful at first.  I know that everyone and everything can’t go where I go and do what I do.  With promise and anticipation, I look forward to becoming a better ME in 2011.

2011~Live ON Purpose~2011

Honoring the Value of Freedom

On a cold December morning, I double check my layers -  Long johns, thick socks, hat – then I check the essentials – phone, iPod, ID.  I haven’t been this bundled since Obama’s Inauguration.  But today’s cause is a bit more somber.  I’m heading to Arlington Cemetery to lay wreaths on the graves. It’s a volunteer project that is not widely publicized (wreathsacrossamerica.org).  Even though I rarely volunteer for outdoor projects in the winter, I feel compelled to make the best of it.

So I join thousands of other volunteers on METRO, funneling ourselves towards the exit gates at the Arlington Cemetery stop.  We walk into the cemetery in droves – men, women, children – some in wheelchairs, strollers and carry pouches.  I am in awe as I watch the crowd gather around one of many trucks that have been packed with wreaths.  There is warmth in numbers as we chatter about the weather, our duty to our fallen soldiers and where we may venture to plant the wreaths we receive.

I get a bit teary-eyed as I look around, seeing very few black faces in the sea of gravestones and people.  It’s disturbing to think that we have been just as affected by the war as everyone else, regardless of our politics on the issues.  Our families have been torn apart as well.  But I guess until P. Diddy, Tom Joyner, Michael Baisden or Al Sharpton becomes a spokesperson…well, I’ll leave that alone.  But I do find it odd that we have organizations, clubs, churches and community projects that we are involved in but we don’t show ourselves for matters of country – unless there will be press.  When will we teach our children the value of their freedom?

I receive my wreaths and begin my trek, thinking of the past wars and conflicts where we’ve lost fighters – spouses, brothers, mothers, aunts, cousins, sisters, fathers – and find my face wet with tears.  It’s not easy to control emotions in a military cemetery.  For that reason, I steer clear of Section 60, the area where many from Iraq and Afghanistan rest and where some ceremonies are being conducted, some families spending their first holiday without their loved one.  Instead I find an area that many have not yet visited and read some of the stones until I feel a twinge in my heart for a name or two. Maybe they remind me of people I know who served in our armed forces, maybe the engraved dates hold some importance or maybe the cold is getting to me.  I say a quick prayer for the families left to mourn, position my wreath as beautifully as possible and move on. 

Looking up, I can’t help but stand in awe at the beauty of the graves adorned with wreaths around me.  Hard to think of a cemetery as beautiful but I’m grateful to have the opportunity to think of it in that way.  Ultimately, I am honored to use my time to thank a veteran.  And next year, I’ll brave the cold to do it again.  Maybe I’ll send info to Essence and BET or just post it on my FaceBook page.  Either way, I hope to see you there.

Giving Thanks

It's that time of year again, and I have so much to be thankful for - people, things, etc.  But this year, I'm a bit more reflective.  I was asked at a seminar earlier this year "who am I" and I'm still trying to answer that.  It sort of sounds shameful that at 30-something I don't know who I am.  But that's not it.  I'm trying to find the right words to describe myself - what makes me who I am, not just likes and dislikes.

I've looked back at the things I've said and the things I've done.
How often do they match?
I've thought about those who matter most.
How do I show it?
I've thought activities I enjoy.
Have I been participating?

I want to enjoy my life, not just exist.  I want to be a help, not a hindrance; assist, not assess; involve, not isolate.  That said, I'm thankful that I can reflect, with sound mind and in good conscience, over the past year and say I'm glad that I am me.  I'm glad that I am loved and I'm glad that I am here.

All the Best to You and Yours