Friends

Friend is such a loose term nowadays.  The meaning has both evolved and devolved simultaneously.  We can virtually meet someone who has things in common with us that we may have otherwise never met.  But should we call them a friend?  We can dismiss someone for having a "negative" comment (I'm still struggling to define this one).  Were they really ever a friend?  Gone are the days when you can give someone a label without having to add words like real or true as a description.  If you're a friend, then you need no other introduction.

We have means of determining friends, some common connection or belief or event or issue or...something.  Maybe we decide based on whether they would change a flat at 2am or put us up for a night in a pinch.  Or we used to...prior to calling any and every one a friend.  It doesn't take much to notice that Johnny's belief system is a bit different from yours -- if you can see beyond the "lol" and likes on each of your posts.  We can see that Jane is a bit quirky after the "go girl" comments have stopped.  Are we so busy looking for connections that we don't actually connect?

We've come to a point in our society where our involvement in Social Media (because I refuse to blame an inanimate object for the shortcomings of humans) has changed the meaning of the term friend.  Would you really be friends with that particular person offline?  Why are your friends categorized by race or based on which candidate they support?  Is there more to this person or more to your friendship?  Or are you merely Social Media friends?  Just because I like your Instagram posts doesn't make us friends.  Or is it just me?

Posting about unfriending people because of differences of opinion, shows your childish nature.  True growth is for those who are capable of entertaining ideas that are different from their own.  Doesn't mean you have to adopt it or even constantly debate about it.  A healthy relationship means that there is no persuasion necessary.  We are, and should be different.  It has always bothered me when folks attempt to isolate themselves with statements like "you don't understand because (insert special case)."  It takes away the opportunity for someone to empathize with your situation and give you the support you crave.  I wonder if that separates us from the animals?  I digress.

In our inability to communicate, we fail to say things like "I can't believe that your value system is so different from mine that you believe it's ok to hurt children and I'm uncomfortable knowing you."  Instead we say, "if you don't agree with me, I'll unfriend you."  Define internet bully for me please.
All too often I've seen posts that mention differences in politics, race, religion, and celebrity worship end with a threat to unfriend.

So, I'll say this to my friends:  I am thankful for you.  For our different backgrounds, races, religions, sexual orientations, marital status, political affiliations, economic brackets, vices, fetishes and interests.  I celebrate our differences in music, food, drink, vacation destinations, child-bearing/rearing habits, and much much more.  Trust me, I'm not unfriending you.

The Dating Games

There is an uproar over the newest dating website and I’m having the hardest time figuring out why.  Dating websites are filled with married people trying to cheat and not get caught, single people who are dating someone but looking to trade up and socially incapacitated people…and me.  These are the major categories.  Now, on each site you have some preference questions and get to post a blurb about yourself that rarely gets read because the visual is all that matters.

That said, this new website is different because of the answer choices for two of the preference selections.  Sure, we know folks who have lips defined as “soup coolers” and some of us enjoy those (i.e. Beyoncé).  Others flaunt the fact that we’ve “gone natural” and many enjoy that as well.  So why is it that we are outraged when a particular website uses these characteristics to narrow down the our selection?

WE DO IT, 

BUT WE DON’T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW!

See, we can swipe left or right on a picture based on our preferences, making an instant decision about a person but we don’t have to profess that on our list of preferences.  Only in America lol.  It's not Democracy and Freedom but Hypocrisy that we should claim. But, I digress.   Strangely enough, I actually signed up for this new dating website and I do not take issue with it.  Nope, I didn’t read anyone else’s posts/articles about it.  I heard, I researched, I entered.  I wonder who’s insecurities are on full blast and what the root of the problem may be.

Mind you, those aren’t the ONLY two items on the list of preferences; but we have to find a molehill to transform into a mountain.

Now, before all the name-calling starts, because apparently we can’t disagree on a topic and present our ideas like adults (think Stacey Dash), check out this article.  Seems this opinion is different from mine.  Happy Dating and may the odds be...well, you get it.

Apparently, You’re Not A Parent

Disclaimer: I do NOT have children. If you believe a person has to be a parent in order to “understand,” you are not only wrong but also will gain nothing by reading this post. 

I was bothered by the news of the little boy who fell into the gorilla cage.  I was saddened by the news of the child snatched by the alligator.  In both cases my initial question was where were the parents?  It’s a very natural reaction since, for most animals, the parents care for and protect the children.

The outcry in the media following the initial incident resulted in the vilification of the parents.  It was painful to watch.  Ironically, the second set of parents received an outpouring of sympathy.   My initial thought was because of the death of the second boy.  Others feel it’s racially motivated.  Time has taught us that as minorities we are viewed and handled differently, even by the media in disastrous situations.  It’s a fact of American life, so I took it with a grain of salt. 

That is, until the articles about “parent shaming” began to surface.  The frustration and outrage began to build when I read about the differences between the attacks .  But my blood began to boil when I read the open letter. 

Who decided it was wrong to question parents when a child has been abused or harmed? Or is it only a problem when the child dies?  No, that can’t be right.  Have you seen the questioning a parent goes through when their child dies of SIDS? We didn’t feel bad about questioning Susan Smith or JonBenet Ramsey’s parents (just to name a few).

Again, it’s human nature to ask questions, to seek understanding, when something tragic happens.  Even as adults, people often point to our childhood and our parents when we do something questionable.  What makes today’s hot topic parents any different?

The one article suggested that we support the grieving parents.  Sure we can do that. We grieved along with the parents of Sandy Hook and Virginia Tech.  My heart goes out to these parents as well.  I can’t begin to assume to know the pain of losing a child, but I can acknowledge the depth of such a loss and therefore grieve alongside them.  That does not negate, in any way, their lack of caution in this incident.   

I don’t believe that every parent intentionally sends their children into harm’s way.  But there are those who turn a blind eye, then want to cry victim when something happens.  You’ve been at the mall, and seen the child who climbs on things and pulls on things, and you  hope and pray nothing bad happens to him.  Meanwhile his parent is texting or shopping and ignoring his shenanigans.  But when something happens we want to blame corporations and even God forbid, onlookers for what we didn’t do.

Yes I do understand that things happen in the blink of an eye.  More reason for the “village.”  Yes, even without children, I can and do watch out for little ones around me.   Lord knows I don’t wish any harm upon anyone’s offspring.  We must be held accountable.  It takes all of us to look out for our children.  I was upset with the onlookers at the zoo for capturing the moment on your phone instead of finding a way to help.

Time out for placing responsibility in the back seat.  We let the government assume their medical and schooling expenses, blame teachers if they don’t learn and blame doctors if they don’t get better.  We blame television and social media if they are angry or socially inept or even “bullied.” Enough is enough. 

We live in a culture where the media can sway how we should and shouldn’t feel, for many of us.  What’s reported and the light it’s reported in can sometimes cause the reaction necessary.  All too often we don’t take the time to consider the facts for ourselves because we’re too busy getting caught up in sound bites and bits and pieces of stories.  We don’t do our homework prior to sounding off about the issue of the day.  That is what needs to stop.  Holding parents accountable for the actions they do or do not take when it comes to the safety of their children is a wonderful and necessary practice.  And I for one will not be shamed into not doing it.

One article mentioned Adam Walsh and Baby Jessica.  Instances where parents were doing the right thing and tragedy struck.  Maybe if we re-institute accountability in our homes and everyday lives, we won’t have such insecure children who feel that mass murder will make them whole.  But that’s fodder for another post.

I still prefer not to think of this in light of race but moreso in light of life and death.  Death seems to trump all accountability when we sympathize, or empathize, with the victims.  We seem much more capable of pity when the child loses their life than we do when they are alive and well.  Hopefully, we can get past that and save more young lives.  Cynical me doesn’t think this will happen soon though.  I expect more of these incidents to make the news soon.  I guess leaving kids in hot cars is passé.

Voting Rights

I've recently watched the movie Selma and have deepened my appreciation for those involved in the Civil Rights Movement.  While I've never been one to glorify leaders, and no point starting now, I revel in the fact that ordinary people made up the numbers that mattered.  Unaware of the behind-the-scenes deals and thoughts and theories, I found the pinnacle of success to be a bit anticlimactic to say the least.

Being a Yankee, I haven't been affected as strongly by the tactics used in the rural south to impede the progress of Civil Rights for Blacks and I am empathetic.  Being a transplant to the relatively unchanged south, I have seen the manifestation of the attitudes that linger.   It's not just the flying Confederate flags or the systematic shunning of educated, dedicated Black employees, but also the air of entitlement and deniability that is nearly palpable. But I digress.

In this, an election year, we are faced with the devil we know and the devil we think we know.  The next years of our life hang in the balance since our choice will be able to leave their mark if we need a new Supreme Court justice or new legislature or, fingers crossed against this one, we go to war.  No matter your beliefs about the fairness of or the validity of our votes, I'm thrilled to have the right.

Here in America, I am elated to be able to express myself freely, though I may be heavily scorned, as well as other rights.  I am grateful to those who fought, bled and died in Selma and other places to ensure my right to vote.  And come November, I plan to honor them at the polls.  See you there.

Losing Myself

So I'm flipping through my latest fashion mag (InStyle) and I come across an article about an artist who looks like Rihanna playing dress up in a vintage outfit.  I mean, she has the cat-eyed makeup look and the Rosie the Riveter scarf and I'm already feeling a pretty cool vibe.  Next stop, Google.  My search reveals that Andra Day has a rich quality to her voice that is sultry and soothing and I like it. But that wasn't the best part...she did a cover of "Lose Yourself" by Eminem.  Now, in case you don't know, I'm a huge fan of the "angry white boy" (my term of endearment for him) and I recently re-watched 8 Mile, his movie.  I must admit that I was a bit nervous about hitting play on the YouTube video (https://youtu.be/-j8qGFyLCjw) but was pleasantly surprised and a bit impressed.  I'm going to add her to my Spotify playlist and indulge in a few more tunes before I decide if she's a definite keeper or not.  Stay tuned... (lol, I crack myself up!)

Disclaimer: Shameless plugs of free apps were to enhance the writing of this blog.  InStyle subscription is a choice uniquely yours and neither supported nor disputed by this writer.

Happy New Year

It's that time again.  Yeah, I'm turning a year older, reflecting on the past 365 days to figure out if anything life-changing happened.  I'm sure it did and I most likely recorded it in my journal (what, you thought I told you everything) but nothing stands out as "GREAT!" (read that in your Tony the Tiger voice).  I failed miserably on my 30 day challenge, completing a bit less than half.  I'm still writing but unpublished.  And still in need of ... well, why bother listing all of that.

So I looked back over my 101 goals and actually smiled because I'm making progress.  Proving that having a visual guide before you not only hoists your dreams into the universe but also pulls you toward them.  That said, I've finally outlined 10 things about myself that I like.  And in honor of this new year, here goes:

10. Confidence

Yes, I pretty much believe I can do anything I want.  To the point that I believe you can also do anything you want and that I should, and often do, share unsolicited advice.  I think it's a pretty awesome trait.  I could be Chicken Little ya know.

9. Metropolitan

I love and enjoy and love city life.  I like to move and shake, to go and see.  I like to go everywhere and see everything.  From museums to wine tastings to theater, I will find something to do.

8. Me

Ok, think Five Heartbeats when Eddie King Jr. asks Flash "how does it feel to be me?"  Yeah, I feel like that a lot. I am more than myself.  I'm ever-changing though consistent, serious though carefree.  In a word...weird.  No need to be PC when I'm talking about myself.  Yep, I don't even want to be anyone else.

7. Erudite

I love to learn something new.  I like to read and write and research...and write about what I've read...and research topics to write about and...well, you get it right?

6. Analytical

I love puzzles and games and brain teasers and anything that makes my brain bulge.  Except those darned math word problems.  Those things are just wrong.

5. Give 110%

If I say I'm in, then I'm all in and then some.  Up to my elbows doing my very best to help you and yours.  If I have it, you got it.  But not everyone knows that, so let's keep it between us.

4. Exuberant

Yes, I wake up happy. I walk around happy for no reason.  I usually go to sleep happy too.  I like that I'm usually in a very good mood.  How can that NOT be a plus?!

3. Creative

This is one of my favorites.  I love to see things become.  Whether I'm baking or making...as in needlework or arts and crafts...I enjoy the entire process.  I'll get around to those quilts shortly.

2. Optimistic

Yes, there is a silver lining, a bright side, another opportunity to reach your goals.  I thought you knew that too.

1. Honest

If you ask, I will tell you.  Unless I don't want to, and I'll tell you that too.  This is one of the things I both love and hate about myself.  Think job interviews and "do I look fat in this?"  Well, you asked.

All in all, this has been a good year and of course I have set goals.  But for right now, let me enjoy the moment...all that is me.

Where Did the Adverbs Go?

It's a sunny Spring Saturday in Alabama and the Book Festival is taking place in Montgomery.  While there were a number of vendors pushing literacy, books, religion, the arts, history and even food, there were also several workshops including Writing Fiction, Pitching and Submitting to Publishers, and Screenwriting.  I attended a few, you had to register early via the website (www.alabamabookfestival.org), and I learned quite a bit.  Some authors were more memorable than others and I've added some titles to my TBR list on GoodReads.  I enjoyed the workshop with Vanessa Davis Griggs because she touched on some down-home tips for writing and publishing.  I skipped the talk with Natasha Tretheway, former US Poet Laureate, because I attended her inauguration in Washington, DC back in 2012.  Though I am thrilled that she was featured.

But for all the good, there was a phrase that echoed throughout the day that brought a frown to my otherwise happy face.  "Stay away from adverbs."  What? Why? Is that even possible?  When some of these questions were posed to the authors, most responded that publishers frown upon adverbs.  Who are these people who wish to do away with an entire part of speech?  The English teacher buried deep inside of me bubbled to the surface bringing with her the memory of SchoolHouse Rock videos and I became teary-eyed by the sound of Lolly, Lolly, Lolly playing in my head.  In case you don't recall it right away, check out the video.

I love reading and have loved it ever since I can remember.  I love to read well-written books by writers who enjoy using language to titillate and inspire.  Adverbs are an underused part of speech that appeal to those of us who do more than read books.  I am saddened for that sector of the population who booksellers don't include in the "masses" that they sell their books to.  It leads one to make the hard decision of writing to sell or writing to write.

All in all, I enjoyed my trip to Montgomery, Alabama and the Book Festival.  I'll have to return to actually do some sightseeing in the near future.  In the meantime, I cry for the adverbs.

Until Next Time...