The Big Picture

"You must not lose faith in humanity.  Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."  -Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

In the above statement, let's exchange "humanity" for the words listed below:

1. public school system/teachers/coaches 
2. priests/preachers/religion
3. politicians
4. kids nowadays
5. law enforcement

I'm sure you can see the trend.  We can substitute lots of words and gain insight and perspective on some of the hot button topics that get us enraged.  Is this fair, necessary, realistic?  I've always been a believer in the good and bad that exists within each of us.  No one is 100% good and no one is 100% bad.  Well, maybe except Rhoda from The Bad Seed.  The rest of us seem to have a tendency to dance between the extremes.  We may make some bad decisions and may intentionally harm others and we may also go out of our way to be kind to someone all in the course of a day.  This doesn't point to a chemical imbalance or some other textbook diagnosis.  Rather it denotes our true nature and ability to be flexible and adaptable.

In light of this, we cannot assume that all teachers will love our children unconditionally nor will they all prey upon their innocence.  Neither can we assume that all police officers are going to protect us and support our causes nor that all are predators seeking our young.   All youths are not apathetic and dangerous as some actually are forward thinking and caretakers.  It's easy to think of things this way when we aren't incensed by media blasts.  Now, if all these cantankerous elderly folks would stop holding up traffic, I can post this blog at the next stop sign.

Stupid Question - Why Are You Single?

We were all taught that the only stupid question is the one that goes unasked.  This is a lie.  My apologies to the moms and teachers everywhere, but some questions really should not be asked.  I have an entire list of them. But let’s take this slowly – one post at a time.

Today’s Stupid Question is…

Why are you single?

There are several ways to answer stupid questions.  I've patented a few of the following responses.

The Dumb Look and Other Facial Cues

Responding to stupid questions with blank stares, raised eyebrows, shaking of the head or the deep sigh usually makes the asker think about what was said.  Unfortunately, today’s society doesn’t believe their questions to be stupid, so they press for an answer.  As a result, you may need to step up the response.

Stupid Answer

Sometimes responding in-kind can move you past this conversational faux pas.
Responding with "because I’m not taken/in a relationship/married", etc. may prove beneficial in this way.  Pairing this type of statement with a dumb look or other facial cue should garner a chuckle and lead to other topics of discussion.  More often than not, it is followed up with “I can’t believe you’re single.”  This is such a sad comment because it leaves no where for the conversation to go.  How do I help you with your disbelief?  That's rhetorical, but ask just to see what happens.

Scientific Answer

I love this one the best because I am sarcastic (in case you didn't know) and it takes a certain type of man to catch on or to enjoy and continue communicating after a response of this sort.  I like those kinda guys (hint).  Here's a sample:

To be single means that I’m only one (not one of several), unmarried or un-involved in a stable sexual relationship.  I could be involved in an unstable, nonsexual relationship (platonic) or one of several in a sexual relationship (FWB) which would most likely still render me single.  I choose to think of myself as an individual person, not a part of a pair.  But your question was why which leads me to think more deeply about my personal situation in terms of this definition and how to apply it appropriately.  To that end, I am single because I choose not to deal with philandering, financial squandering, and verbal abuse.  I've decided to take some time to get to know myself and the things that I enjoy; I wish to get past the pains I've had before adding the joys and pains of another person, for now.

Keep it Light

Using some of the above responses will often end with name-calling – i.e. angry, bitter, etc.  Ironic how you're viewed as the one with the problem when it was actually the stupid question that started it all huh?  Yet, to keep from having to deal with this pain, you can keep it light.  A simple “I’m waiting for you” or “the right person hasn't come along” can keep the conversation moving but it could also trigger other insecurities in the person who asked.  Take your chances dealing with that.

The non-answer is always an answer.  Have you spoken with someone who simply continued with the conversation as if a question had never been asked?  That’s the non-answer.  I’m not good at that one though.  Not to mention, that today’s society feels that every question asked demands an answer and will quote “Ask and ye shall receive.”  But that is another blog.  There are more stupid questions so stay tuned.

Internet Bullying

By now, we've come to terms with the fact that all sorts of things happen on Social Media that defy the laws of what used to be normal communication.  We say things to get attention, we call people negative when they disagree with us, and we post cloaked messages to and about people who aren't even on our list of friends.  Incredulous!
By far, the most disturbing are the threats.  You've seen them:

Share if you support (insert cause here)

Keep scrolling if you don't care.

Then there are the status messages that suggest you never read your friends' status updates and if you do you'll re-post it as your own.  Can't forget the event or cause of the moment - post a pic of mom for Mother's Day or a ribbon for (insert cause) and on and on.  It's pack mentality, to the point where you're almost an outcast for not participating.
The most outrageous of the threats is the "I'll defriend you."  Let's break this one down from my point of view.

1. Friends
   My friends don't make silly threats like this.  The people I call my friends know me well enough to know that I'd try them for saying something similar.  It's ridiculous to threaten adults on the world wide playground.  Take your ball and go home.
2. Taking Offense
   Something is offensive to all of us.  Whether it's a cause or a person or the story of the week, we rally for and against something on a daily basis.  We won't agree on everything - that's not natural.  So get over yourself and I'll do the same.
3. It's the INTERNET
   Losing sleep over a post is abnormal.  She made a comment contrary to mine and we had a virtual debate (yes, argument) about it.  Doesn't mean I love her any less.  He posted a picture making light of an event.  It's either funny or it's not.  It's not a commentary of how we feel about one another.
4. Unresolved Issues
   The reason that something bothers us, to the point where we'd place unrealistic demands on the actions of others, likely means we haven't dealt with and moved on from that issue.  Any mention of it brings back the emotions from that time period (feel free to admit this in total privacy during the wee hours of the morning).  We sometimes lash out at others because we're stuck in that space and we take their poking fun or contrary viewpoints as personal affronts.  (Therapists: please chime in here.)
5. Know Your Friends
   Everyone is not your friend. Adjectives like "true" and "real" are over-used and maddeningly needless if we use the denotation of words and not the new cultural connotation.  So I'll restate it -- everyone is NOT your friend.  Friends know where you live and visit you and go on vacation with you and visit you in the hospital -- without the aid of the website.  They know when a relationship status changes and call to find out how you're feeling, instead of waiting for a post.  They don't need to FOLLOW because they are THERE.  They know that our support for, and of, one another is what bonds us and no post can change that.

I don't know how to stop bullying, especially on the internet.  To be honest, it doesn't bother me.  I laugh at it and keep scrolling.  So, I don't have any great advice or a 5 step method to stop internet bullying.  But I know that a bully can't bully alone.  It takes a victim for it to work.  For all I know, I may BE the bully of the internet.  Shame on me if I am and shame on you if you allow it.

Going to the Doctor

I've got an appointment with my Primary Care Physician!  Yes, I feel like it's my birthday again.  You may ask why because you may not understand and I'm glad that you don't.  Believe me, the struggle is REAL.  Healthcare in America is almost as elusive as the Easter Bunny and I've spoken with him about it.  Ok, just kidding...we didn't talk about healthcare at all.  LOL

It's been 5 years since I've had healthcare coverage -- December 1999/January 2010 including COBRA.  Un- and under-employment have contributed to this lack of coverage since many part time and entry level positions, especially in small companies, don't offer it.  Something needs to change.  I would much rather that the government supplied healthcare rather than welfare or food stamps.

In the nearly five years since my surgery, thankfully covered by insurance, I've managed to self-medicate, use lots of Bandaids, incur quite a few doctor's bills and pray that nothing serious goes wrong.  Well, my first visit to my PCP will tell the tale.  I haven't been the healthiest eater or stuck to a workout regimen and I don't feel like I'm falling apart but who knows.

I know I'm being rather personal, exceedingly; but, I feel that it's stories like mine - the truth about the lack of healthcare in this country - that will cause us to wake up and realize what's most important.  Unfortunately, the Obamacare system (yes, I know it's a nickname but I like it and therefore use it) didn't work for me but I wouldn't discourage those without health insurance to try it anyway.  Also there are sites like Esurance (disclaimer: I am not promoting this website and it is not the only one of it's kind) that offer several different plans at several different price points.  It may be a lot less expensive than you realize, and maybe even moreso than the rate your job offers.  Besides, it can be autonomous, useful should you no longer be employed.

We all know I'm not one for a sob story, so let's wrap this up on a positive note.  I've finally got insurance and I'm heading to the doctor.  This is just the beginning, the PCP.  After this, I'm scheduling visits the dentist, dermatologist, cardiologist, podiatrist, neurologist, gynecologist, optometrist, audiologist, maybe even a therapist....what's the knee doctor called?

Pink is for...

Time's sure are a-changing!  The leaves are turning colors and falling from the trees, the days are getting shorter and cooler, football is always on, and soon everyone will be wearing PINK.  Yep, its the month I love to hate, October - Breast Cancer Awareness Month, mostly because I really don't like pink.

I realize we all want to be supportive of breast cancer and those dealing with it in some way since, to quote a friend, "we all either have Tatas or like Tatas."  But there is so much more to it than that - and leave it up to me to inform you.

Cancer is a term used for diseases in which abnormal cells divide without control and are able to invade other tissues. Cancer cells can spread to other parts of the body through the blood and lymph systems.
-National Cancer Institute

Facts
It all began with Susan G. Komen - and if you've never heard that name before I'll be the first to welcome you back to the real world and out from under the rock where you've been hiding.  According to the website (ww5.komen.org), it all began with a sisterly promise and has grown to have such amazing reach - an immensely motivational narrative for women everywhere.  Started in 1982, it is one of the most widely recognized health awareness movements.  Funded by this non-profit organization are research, community awareness, treatment and support programs.  There are varied ways to participate or donate, including an assortment of products for purchase to show your support.  Almost every company, in almost every market, has donated, sponsored and/or is otherwise allied with breast cancer and makes it known for 31 days per year.  I must admit that before Breast Cancer Awareness, October was only known for Halloween.  The tatas have given this lengthy and rather unnoticed month a new life.

Awareness
The power behind the pink is so strong that you're almost afraid to not participate, as if that will make you somehow seem unsupportive.  I'm sure staunch followers of the movement, if they read this, will be agitated as if I'm speaking against it in some way...which I am NOT.  There are just so many other forms of the disease that fall through the cracks.  The following is printed on the National Cancer Institute's website:
Cancer is not just one disease but many diseases. There are more than 100 different types of cancer. Most cancers are named for the organ or type of cell in which they start - for example, cancer that begins in the colon is called colon cancer; cancer that begins in melanocytes of the skin is called melanoma.

More than 100 types of cancer and so much concentration on just one.  We only have 12 months but thanks to Crayola we have enough colors for all the ribbons. Sure we know that each of us makes a difference and that someone can galvanize 100 different programs, but is that really feasible, necessary or even effective.  I'm not trying to take anything away from what's been done, I'm only thinking of ways it could be expanded.  Alas, I'm no world-changing activist; I'm a writer -- with a lot of questions.   But I'm not the only one who feels that Breast Cancer Awareness is all pink and no punch - just read the article by Elisabeth Dale.   

I'd love to have a Cancer Awareness Month.  Though the power of the Tatas proves so much more important than any of us.  So yes, during October I'll dig out my pink ribbon pin to show my support and I'll read the articles and cry a bit and it will be genuine.  And the rest of the year, I'll think of others who survived or succumbed to the many other cancers that exist.

101 In 1001 Revisited

Remember back when I decided to do 101 things in 1001 days?  No, I'll remind you.
101 in 2008.

It didn't end well.  It wasn't quite an epic fail...I think I finished about 30 goals with about 10 on-going ones left dangling and the others, well...I didn't finish them at all.
But, I'm back.  And I plan to do it again.  So, if you're interested -- and you are because you're reading this - here's the list.

101 Things in 1,001 days
It begins today September 15, 2014 and ends on June 12, 2017.

1.                  Complete Total Money Makeover Baby Step 1 (with a 2014 adjustment)

2.                  Visit an Indoor Climbing Wall

3.                  Complete the 30 Day Blog Challenge

4.                  Go Skydiving

5.                  Learn Spanish

6.                  Purchase Stock

7.                  Build a Financial Portfolio

8.                  Try acupuncture

9.                  Bet on a horse

10.              Get a penpal

11.              Visit Legoland

12.              Buy a house

13.              Build a Writer's Notebook

14.              Complete Family Tree (both sides)

15.              Random Act of Kindness (once/mo)

16.              Visit Statue of Liberty

17.              Scrapbook about this project

18.              Try 5 new recipes

19.              Adopt a highway

20.              Pay off car

21.              Visit Disney (Land or World)

22.              Attend writer's conference

23.              Take a limosine ride

24.              Plant a tree

25.              Experience Mardi Gras in New Orleans

26.              Volunteer

27.              Perform in a play

28.              Take an African Dance Class

29.              Visit an observatory

30.              Capture your 365

31.              Detox/fast for 7 days

32.              Complete a Wreck This Journal

33.              Complete Total Money Makeover Baby Step 2 (except student loans)

34.              Blog once/week, at least

35.              Make a quilt

36.              Read the entire Bible

37.              Complete NaBloPoMo

38.              Learn about Meditation

39.              Write daily

40.              Blog about each goal (monthly)

41.              Complete a play

42.              Read the entire Dictionary

43.              Join a book club and participate

44.              Learn to Belly Dance

45.              Go White Water Rafting

46.              Get a hot stone massage

47.              Go Hang Gliding

48.              Visit a Murder Mystery Dinner Theater

49.              Enjoy a Broadway Show on Broadway

50.              100 snapshot challenge - with a twist

51.              Ride in a hot air balloon

52.              Finish a puzzle book

53.              Complete a Smashbook challenge

54.              Whiten my teeth

55.              200 situps challenge

56.              Paint a picture

57.              Complete 12 day plan of simple writing exercises

58.              Take a selfie with a celebrity

59.              Submit Work Monthly

60.              Read a book/week

61.              Keep a book of Positive Thoughts

62.              Review every book read

63.              Jet Ski

64.              Write one letter per week

65.              Take a road trip, every 6 months

66.              Check this list daily

67.              Identify 10 things I like about myself

68.              Pray for someone else each day

69.              Memorize 1 Bible verse/week

70.              Keep a food diary

71.              Attend networking event once/month

72.              Get a henna tattoo

73.              Spend one Christmas in New York

74.              Visit Las Vegas

75.              Start a new 101 list

76.              Write a letter to myself to read at the end

77.              Star gaze, with a friend

78.              Take a relaxing bubble bath once/week

79.              Participate in a charity walk

80.              Roller skate twice/month

81.              Purchase a bike

82.              Create a notebook for this project

83.              Get involved in one church activity

84.              Get active with meetup groups

85.              Keep a journal about this experience

86.              Read 100 Essential Black books

87.              No soda for 60 days

88.              Exercise 3 days/week for 30 days

89.              Visit Niagara Falls

90.              Interest someone else in 101 in 1001

91.              Build vocabulary

92.              Get a facial once/quarter

93.              Tweet daily for 30 days - Twitter challenge

94.              Find a new church

95.              Visit an indoor water park

96.              Create calendar of goals and review monthly

97.              24 Day Ab Workout

98.              Join writer social media sites

99.              Pay tithes

100.          Complete NaNoWriMo

101.          Try DASH diet for 30 days

Things I Learned Playing Candy Crush

I'm often surprised at the ways I learn life lessons.  But maybe as I get older, I'm paying attention in a different way.  So here goes; see if you agree.

It’s Easy to Lose Focus
Game: Trying so hard to find matching candies sometimes causes me to lose focus of the big
picture – the goal of that level.
Life: We rush from paycheck to paycheck trying to keep up with bills, activity to activity with our children, or project to project with our jobs and miss out on the big picture. What are my dreams and goals? Am I working to survive? Are the kids happy or simply satiated – am I allowing them to grow or overcompensating? Am I on the path to professional success or just keeping the C-Suite happy?

Seeing the Goal Makes Focus Easy
Game: I forgot the overall point, but seeing the goal posted reminds me of what's important.
Life: This is the reason for focus boards, support groups and mentoring sessions. Getting back on track is
easy to do with a small visual reminder.

One Wrong Move Can Result in Catastrophe
Game: Yeah sometimes. I'll make a match that throws the entire board off. Aaargh!!!
Life: I chose to buy a new car, not knowing I’d get a pink slip in 3 months. We decided to not take a vacation but have ended up more stressed out. You chose to send your child to private school and have to work so much to pay tuition that you can’t attend any events. You posted that picture and … well,
we will leave that one alone.

Strategic Moves Allow Recovery
Game: With a keen eye on the candies on the board and focus on the goal, a crush can still be achieved if you don't run out of moves first.
Life: Keep plugging away and focusing on that goal and things will turn around in time.

Support
Game: There are little secret weapons stacked up on the side (i.e rainbow candies or doughnuts) or extra moves sent by other players to help in a pinch.  This is an awesome addition if used wisely. Which piece to use and when?
Life:  My friends, network or whatever new word is trending this week for those I can depend on.  This essentially means I should know what each person can contribute to my life/situation. Who do I call for a quick pick me up or to just vent? Who will help me hide the body and take the info about it into the afterlife? Which friend do I call and when?

Keep Moving
Game: No matter how bad my board looks, I can’t just reset. If I have 15 moves left, I have to
use them before I can begin that level again.  Also, as previously stated, things can change within those 15 moves if I remain focused on the goal and apply the proper strategy.
Life: No matter how bad it looks, I can't have a do-over.  At least not from the very beginning.  I have to just keep moving.  Sure, I've lost my job and want to give in and give up but each morning I wake breathing with sunlight in my eyes. Someone/something is depending on you too.   Even though your loved one passed and you are grieving...your car won’t start – again...your bank account is overdrawn...your wife left you and left the kids. But you've got goals to focus on.

Patience
Game: Sometimes when I've exhausted all of my moves and haven't achieved the goal, I must
wait for a recharge so that I can play again.
Life: Keep exhausting moves until there are no more recharges.

All this, in one fun and quite addictive game.  Thanks Candy Crush!